lemon ruth

Lately I’ve been struggling with articulation.  Instead of telling you out loud how I feel, you may have noticed that I stand closer or touch your arm more often or that I’m making more of an effort to hang out.  I’m learning to accept the necessity of simple presence. 
Mostly I’ve found that there aren’t words […]

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the first time i lost a relative, i flew home for the funeral and i remember the moment right before walking into the sanctuary very clearly. i could see poppop lying there through the small crack between the sanctuary doors, and in that exact instant, i learned what loss is.
i collapsed into my mom’s arms […]

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my head is full. 
i don’t even know what to do with all of this information.  i am so terrified to forget even one tiny word, let alone what i’ve seen and felt as all of this occurs.
the only metaphor i can come up with is that of the addition of one tiny drop of water in a […]

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here’s what’s on my mind today:
we are not good listeners.  i am 100% including myself in this accusation because i am the one i’ve witnessed this in the most recently (but i spend more time with myself than anyone so maybe you are a worse listener than me but i just don’t know it).
i mean […]

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at first i thought maybe i was psychic, but i’ve recently realized that i just need to trust my intuition more because sometimes it’s spot-on. 
i probably would have spared myself a world of hurt if i’d have realized certain things several years ago rather than last week, but hey, progress is progress, right?
in these past […]

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The mental stew that currently occupies my headspace is growing more and more muddled by the minute.
I still don’t know if I’m more terrified of moving back to Nashville or staying in Seattle.  The emotional turmoil I feel the moment I start to think about giving up every bit of the life I’ve built here […]

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i keep forgetting where i am.  and no, i don’t mean california.  i don’t mean location at all.
sometimes a song will play or i’ll find a small scrap of something in the bottom of an old purse or i’ll “accidentally” follow a link on facebook and all of a sudden, it is Then and not […]

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if you think of it as a recipe, there are two parts.
what i’m dealing with now is the mixing of the two.  and it’s turning out to be the most profound experience of my entire life so far.
there are the inherent factors, the facts of who i am, the mechanics of my self.  and then […]

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i am so maxed out i can barely function.
the shape of things is about to change soon, like it does every autumn.  some higher power has decided my life is supposed to crumble around me every october.  every single year like clockwork.  i could walk you through a summary of this for the past 5 or so […]

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this was a very awkward summer.  right now i’m watching the rain fall from a dark sky outside my big office window, and i’m surprisingly excited for these first signs of impending winter.
i love the idea of rest.  i love the fact that even the natural world works in the same way our hearts do.  it’s […]

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