lemon ruth

there are times when the normal (and for the most part: good) tension of life escalates to an almost unbearable level.  it feels something like the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other, like in those bad nineties movies.  too many conflicting motives/desires/emotions.

i mean, it’s difficult enough to come to conclusions about each day’s happenings, but when the tension rises it becomes nearly impossible.

i’ve got these steadying influences in my life.  as always, i have my family and my best friend (very far away, to be fair) and a pretty good career.  the cafe has been a huge part of this recently as well.  it’s quickly becoming one of my favorite places in the city, and the people there are already family.  nothing is quite like being surrounded by likeminded friends.  i don’t have enough of that in my life these days.  it’s one of the things i miss most about nashville and even jersey.

but despite these steadying influences, there is also that little devil on the other shoulder.  for one, there is a person in my life who has slowly transitioned from one of my dearest and oldest seattle friends into a manipulative and damaging force.  he twists my words and actions into personal attacks on him and any time i make plans with anyone else, he launches into a verbal tirade.  this is all coming from someone for whom i have given everything i possibly could and in letting him in so close, he has become one of the select few who has the power to hurt me the most. 

and then there is the stress at work.  here is an example of a situation i get caught in the middle of:  the chief financial officer scolds me for allowing an ethiopian student to register for another course when he has yet to pay for the last but the student emails me telling me his monthly income to support his family of five is $250.  as the admissions coordinator for all 5 of our programs, i get to be the first to know the students and hear their stories and brainstorm ways to get them the resources they need in their region.  in doing so, i get way too emotionally attached and then all of a sudden i’m supposed to tell them there are limits to how much we can help?  (we are a nonprofit after all, and scholarship funds are limited)  TOO DIFFICULT.

as much as i love my job and my coworkers and the students (especially the students), it’s the most intense way to spend 8 hours of my day.  i am exhausted and maxed out and last week i actually got in trouble for taking on too much.  seriously?  who is supposed to do all this work then?  we are all at our absolute limits in our individual areas, and i’m the only one who understands the admissions and registration processes anyway.  sigh.

on a good note, i get to go to india for two weeks next year to visit the slums alongside our students.  and next week i leave for 5 days to represent the school at a community development conference.  my boss is doing some workshops on inner-city issues like gang violence and homeless youth, and i am so proud to be there beside him to talk to prospective students.  i get a beautiful hotel room at a resort all to myself, and i’ll get to meet people i’ve looked up to for years.  exciting stuff.

lately though i’ve felt as though i have so little energy to devote to things i really love.  the cafe fits in this category, and i’ve decided to just jump on every available training slot in the next few weeks before we open.  i’ve had my new sewing machine for weeks now but have lacked the time/energy to test it out.  and i’ve been spending way too much time hiding in my room listening to records and mulling over the looming decisions ahead. 

i think it’s time to just let the tension evaporate on its own without wasting any more of my attention on it.  quite frankly i just care too much about things that are undeserving.  in searching for a middle ground i’ve let the bad things overshadow the good.  this is pretty sad because there’s a whole lot of good in this city.

if you’re looking for me, i’ll be down at 3rd and cedar brewing the city’s best espresso (seriously perfectly roasted beans) with some amazing kids.  come wear in our comfy chairs.

love, LR