lemon ruth

in the past 48 hours i’ve learned how to hold onto things more lightly.

none of this is permanent or final or secure.

there have only been a few times in my life when i’ve felt like things might not actually be ok, and last night was one of those times.  i weighed every option that came to mind and not a single one felt completely right or even completely feasible.

the amazing thing was that so many people came to my rescue.  it was almost shocking to realize how much support i have out here.  i wasn’t expecting that in the least.  i love to take care of everyone else, but i rarely allow anyone to take care of me.  perhaps this is the lesson i need to learn: it’s ok to need help.

it’s ok to need.

i still feel panicky and i’m still confused, but the immediate crisis has been averted for the time being (at least another 2 weeks).  there is the ongoing fear that we could shut down any day and all be out of jobs, but for now we are getting paid something and the doors are still open.

of course this has all reopened the debate of whether or not i am moving back to nashville and/or how soon that would or could happen.  last night in the thick of things, i was certain this was the final straw in this ridiculous city and i’d have no choice but to cut my losses.

however a huge part of me was so terrified to give up on the west coast that easily.  yes, this has been difficult but it’s also been really really good.   my mom said something along these lines last night and i felt for a moment like i could survive anything on the other side of these 2 heart-shattering years.

some people make it look easy.  they are confident and carefree and when i see these people around i wonder what it would feel like to care so little (in the good way).  as for me, i give too much of myself to even the tiniest of details; i don’t save an ounce of it for tomorrow because this could all just end at midnight.  i feel too much.

and so now that i’m on this shakier ground, there is an urgent set of questions to be answered:

stay or move back?

save or spend?

look for a new job or stay here on good faith?

mostly just those few things need to be figured out.  the problem is that my job is so much more than a job.  i am invested in every bit of it.

i don’t have answers right now.  all i have is this sinking feeling in my stomach that yesterday’s events are just the beginning of a terrifying new phase of my life.  i mean, i’m up for an adventure but a bit worried about where i’ll end up this time.

all of this is to say:

to my friends/family here and all over the country: thanks for your support yesterday and every day before that.

love, LR