lemon ruth

i am so maxed out i can barely function.

the shape of things is about to change soon, like it does every autumn.  some higher power has decided my life is supposed to crumble around me every october.  every single year like clockwork.  i could walk you through a summary of this for the past 5 or so years but that would break my heart all over again, so no thanks.

this october wasn’t the roughest but it was rough.  Lauren’s Financial Crisis 2009 isn’t over yet, but the worst is (i hope).  i am definitely making different choices these days, whittling down the accumulation of nonsense to a simpler existence.  it’s actually been kind of great. 

this isn’t my first time attempting this task.  in europe, i washed my clothes in a sink and wore the same outfit for 15 days straight and read the same book so many times, half the pages fell out.  when i moved to seattle, i fit my entire life into my car and 3 boxes shipped ahead. 

it’s a wonderful thing to feel mobile.

3 weeks ago when financial armageddon occurred and i wasn’t sure if i still had a job, i immediately started making arrangements to move back to nashville.  this is now and will probably constantly be my Plan B for as long as i’m living in seattle.  there is still the possibility that i will be out of a job any time before december, and i’ll let you know if my room is available for rent.  a pretty great space for relatively cheap, you know?  i’ll let you know.

in the meantime, i’m just going to sit here at my desk every day and work my ass off with no guarantees.  i think i’m getting an ulcer.

god i hate october. 

fortunately, it is now november which is, in turn, all about reconstruction.  i get to see my mom very soon, which will help a ton.  she always makes me feel sane again.  it’s been 6 months since i’ve seen my family, and that’s pretty cruel.  super cruel.

a girl needs her family, you know?

waking up every day without even the slightest bit of security has been exhausting but i’m learning a ton about my priorities.  i mean, when the rug is torn out from under you, you start to really notice what you grasp for first.  someone i met recently told me the most important thing to do at this age is examine my motives and admit if they’re ugly.  i guess that’s just step 1.

at least being all tangled up in this first step has distracted me from the petty drama of being twenty-something.  what an incestuous mess.  it’s like a decade-long gray area.  and if you know me at all, you know i am too left-brained to deal with gray.

without even realizing it, i will construct a perfectly linnear structure for my days and expect life to fall within its boundaries.  ridiculous.

anyway, that is a tangent for another day.  maybe even tomorrow. 

these are going to be some long days.  i’m working from 7-3:30 and then volunteering at the cafe from 4-8 and then walking/biking home and i’m seriously going to need to keep up this overcaffeination thing i’ve got going on lately. 

i can’t say it enough: come visit me.  i will need friendly faces.

love, LR